6 Weeks

For the first time in my life I truly understand how apprehension feels.

Whenever people ask me if I'm scared about leaving, I always say no because generally, I'm not. Being an all or nothing kind of person doesn't leave much room for fear. 

To be completely honest, I think part of me kept looking for a reason not to go for the first few months. I wanted someone to tell me how insane I am for wanting too many things and snapping me out of my selfishness.

I remember being most nervous to tell my brother about going away for so long. I knew his initial reaction would be to start thinking up ways he could come along with me. Although he's probably one of three people that I would want with me for every step of this trip, we both knew that there was no way he'd be able to come. 

My favourite sibling moment happened recently. I was so incredibly sad because I had this horrible weight in my chest that comes from heart ache. I wasn't hungry but we went for ice-cream because it's his favourite way of cheering me up.

"I can't decide between choc-chip cookie dough or strawberry cheesecake," he complained and as he looked over at this strange miserable version of myself, he sighed a little because it could not have been a pleasant sight. 
"I'm going to tell you something. I remember reading about this seven year old boy who was crazy in love with a girl in his class.
He walked up to her one day and said;

‘I love you and I want to be with you forever. Will you marry me?’

The girl laughed, said ‘no’ and walked away leaving him standing there.
A teacher saw what had happened and couldn't help but notice the boy smiling. She asked him why he wasn't sad and he said; 

‘Why should I be sad? All I lost was someone that didn’t love me. She just lost someone that loved her more than anything.’ 

See Tara, a seven year old gets it. Sometimes we have to save our love for people who deserve it, ok? Now, if I get cookie dough, can you get the cheesecake and we can go splitsies?” 
He smiled at me harder when he realised that my eyes were misty. He hugged me, ruffled my hair and punched my arm.


This is my brother.
My security blanket.
To be so far away without him for so long is a daunting concept to me.